Life can be amazing. Life can be uplifting. Life can be hard. Life can be completely unpredictable. Life can seriously suck.
Life can seriously suck, it can creep up on you, make you feel small, incomplete, completely and utterly helpless. However, just like anything else, life is what you make of it. Whether today is the day you wake up and receive that phone call that changes your life for the better, the worse, or simply adds another twist to yet another day, it is unpredictable. Nothing prepares you for that phone call, no matter what is on the other end; joy, sorrow, anxiety, or perhaps even absolutely nothing at all.
My call was just two weeks ago, moments before heading out to Bulgaria. This call was one of shock and sorrow. A life seemingly on the up and instead upended. So suddenly, so unpredictable. Not one to shed tears, this call indeed crept into my very core, my very soul, and resulted in a sheer loss of words, full body confusion, with words lacking to even soothe my father.
A death in the family is never positive, yet what happens after the fact although due to turmoil, grief, and negative circumstance, can lead to more positive, happy, and better things.
Happiness in the midst of death. This is how I would describe my last minute flight home, my reunion with family, my writing about my grandmother of all the things I loved, and admired, and the resulting journey/adventure that occurred due to this unfortunate happenstance in what we call “life.” Being reunited with my sister, brother, mother, father, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many more was a breath of fresh air in a sea of misfortune. A time of grief and sorrow, slowly became a time to catch up and remember. A time for tears, became a time for confidence, encouragement, and looking towards tomorrow.
Now I know more than anything else, my grandmother would love nothing more than for us all to continue on with our lives. Remember the good times, the smiles, the laughter, the funniest of moments, yet she would also encourage us to reflect, and make sure what we do each and every day is what we want to do, what we are happy doing.
The beginning of every phone call started with these words, “How are you, do you need anything, and are you happy?” Such easy questions, that cut you to the very core looking back, such simple questions. However, the answers demand attention and analysis. It is easy to say yes I am good, no I don’t need anything, and yes I am happy, however, the harder part is truly looking, going deeper than the day to day superficial answers, especially now. When we answer these questions, are they truthful? Are they how we truly feel, or an automatic response for all those we associate with, talk to, and interact with constantly.
Death makes you think about life so much more. It makes you think about all those seemingly meaningless conversations, decisions, those choices that you thought would happen each day without fail. Although, if death teaches you anything, it is that you must appreciate each and every day, embrace the life you have, not get lost in what could be. Don’t get me wrong, shoot for the stars, yet remember that now is just as important as yesterday or tomorrow, if not more. Today you control, today you can change, today you can be the best you. Yesterday already happened and tomorrow we know not what will happen.
A friend recently told me that I live one foot in the past, one foot in the future, and shit all over today. Now although quite the image, this clearly defines exactly what we should all avoid. It helps us not at all by getting caught up in all the menial things that bog us down, that trip us up, that we are caught daydreaming about. Open your eyes, live today, remember yesterday, and deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.
I love you, grandma, you will forever be remembered, yet what I will take with me today is your smile, your joy, and your huge heart that would do absolutely anything for anyone. You are an angel and will be forever missed.
